This morning I dreaded dropping her off. I sat in the dark in tears as she nursed praying that God would take away my debt that I incurred as a stupid young adult. Prayed that He’d make a way. Prayed that He’d make sick leave appear in my folder at work so I could have just one more day to cuddle her as she battles new teeth. Last week was so amazing being home with her and it made me realize how much I’m missing. It made me incredibly sad. I made the mistake of watching The Help a few days before my maternity leave in October and one of the interview questions still haunts me. She asked how it felt for someone else to raise her babies while she raised other babies. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I raise and teach other people’s children and have to trust someone else to love my child and teach her and watch her grow and mature. I ugly cried and clutched my sweet tiny 10 week old to my chest and then pulled myself up by the bootstraps and got over it. Or so I thought. As she ages and is learning and doing it’s getting harder and harder on Mondays and after breaks. I’ve done the math and, short of a miracle, it’s just not possible. I tell my husband in a few years we could do it. I could stay home. And he just looks at me and walks away. He knows that I know deep down that we can’t. For now I pray. I trust a woman who has become a dear friend to love my child and help her grow and learn during her waking hours. I soak the time in. I try not to resent stay at home moms. I try not to resent our society and the American dream. I try not to resent those women who worked so hard to get out of the home not so long ago. I try to laugh that teachers used to be single women who lost their jobs as soon as they got married. I try to agree when people tell me as a teacher I’m lucky to get summers with her. I try to soak in every moment. I pray for a miracle. Or a rich family member to come popping out of my family tree who has money to give away. I thank God for a babysitter who loves her. I thank God for my job and my children and their families. I thank God for providing for us. I thank God for this sweet sleepyhead I get to see in my rear view mirror on the way to and from work. He is a good Father. And I am trying so hard to be thankful.
Three years ago, I wrote this blog you see above. I prayed and about a year and a half later God answered. It was without a doubt the most difficult season of my life. I battled an assortment of wars within our marriage, family, and profession. I begged God to help me find strength to stick with a career that was dragging me down into a dark hole. I begged Him to save my family when I couldn’t do anything but pray and hope I didn’t get seriously injured at work. I prayed for a miracle in our finances. I kept praying for miracles. In December 2018, He answered. Kyle got a raise significant enough to cover the gap that our finances would suffer if I went to a part time job so I could be home most of the time. My boss at the time said something profound as I contemplated quitting the hardest year of my teaching career. He basically said “when all areas in life are struggling maybe because of one particular area, you need to focus on one. God first, then family and last is career, Kaitlin I think you know what you need to do.” God sent the money, the encouragement and the hope we needed to make the move and we accepted it. Things are tight more often than not but it was the best choice we’ve ever made as a family. We’ve experienced growth, we’ve experienced healing, we’ve experienced hope and more miracles. We trusted and He answered. I encourage you today to find hope in your impossible circumstance. Search for healing in the heavenlies and claim miracles in the name of Jesus. His timing is everything.