Today I was a grouch

Today I feel like I did everything wrong. I woke up with horrible allergies and my nose literally dripped and ran all day long. I couldn’t find my asthma inhaler so I couldn’t take my girl on the walk like I’d promised the night before because my chest was too tight from the allergies. I tried cleaning the house because there is German Shepherd hair everywhere from her crazy excessive shedding thanks to this heat. I’m grumpy as snot is getting everywhere, my head is hurting, my chest is tight and my skin on my face is raw from wiping it so much. I repeatedly said to her “just wait a minute. I’m trying to do something.” Or “hold on! I’m _______!”  I was a grouch and felt like crap and multiple times I raised my voice and she ended up crying. I threatened to throw toys away that she left on the floor and I swept some of her things up because I was just ill. Bring on the tears. I forgot to bring the dog beds in from airing outside before the rain so now I have a hairy soaking mess to clean up tomorrow. She kept wanting to climb on my lap and lay against me but I was so uncomfortable in my own body that it made me feel even worse and I kept impatiently telling her to get down. The guilt today has been so real. We napped and we both felt better. The afternoon was slightly easier to handle and supper got done with minimal fussing. The television stayed on adding to my guilt; trips outside were short lived as my stinkin nose ran even harder and my chest would tighten up within seconds of me stepping out the door. I realized a few minutes ago that my husband came home and went to bed and I haven’t touched him all day. In my misery, I didn’t greet him with any affection or physical touch which is his primary love language. It didn’t feel like a good day.  It felt lousy. It felt like I wasted a day with my girl. I told her no when she asked me to play in the rain with her. I told her no when she asked to go on a walk. I told her no when she asked to take a bath with me and I told her no when she asked for a beloved Fox Kit story at nap time.

 I fought tears tonight as I sang her to sleep as all the yuckiness of the day surrounded me and I held her tight and thanked God that she’s so forgiving and resilient. I asked God to grant me more days with her to make up for this tough one. I sat and as I sang, I tried to think of the good because there are days that feel so unbalanced and so heavy that it’s hard to see the good.

I told her yes when she asked for a Fox Kit story at bedtime, I told her yes when she asked if she could play in the rain. I encouraged and praised her when she found the egg and put it in the egg bucket without me asking. I made her a special breakfast, and I remembered to give her the snack I’d promised she could have after nap. I thanked her for helping clean up a mess I made. I told her how I was feeling throughout the day and she was sympathetic and offered me tissues, her medicine (aka vitamins) and hugs. I managed to get a tasty supper done. I held her tightly throughout the day and gave her snuggles. She leaned against me multiple times and I didn’t push her away and, a few times, we just sat quietly side by side. I pushed her in her stroller in the yard after she suggested it as an alternative to walking on the road. We cut our first sunflower that we grew from a seed. We climbed and played together. We smiled and laughed some. We hit the ball off the t a couple times before I had to go back in. The floor was swept and the peaches got peeled and sliced. She told me stories, made silly faces and watched The Lion King for the first time.

 It was a good day. It didn’t feel like it at the time and I wish I’d made better choices but it was a good day. I can do better tomorrow. Tomorrow I’ll hold her closer. I’ll whisper more and try not to be so demanding. I’ll try to take deep breaths and better control the frustration I may feel. I’ll dance in the rain with her if I get the opportunity. I’ll help her clean up like I normally do instead of how I acted today over her little messes. But first thing in the morning, I’ll tell her I’m sorry that I was such a bear and ask for her forgiveness. Tomorrow, if God grants it to me, I will do better. That’s what grace is all about. It’s about forgiveness, love, compassion, mercy, accountability. It’s about healing and growing. It’s about the process of life. 

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