Advice From My Momma About Boyfriends
My mama told me as a teen that when you’re dating you are getting the very best of the person. More than once, I remember her saying “this is as good as it’s going to get. Are you okay with that?” She meant that when marriage comes, you can’t just up and leave when things get hard. A person might be wonderful but how will you feel about them when bills pile up, jobs are lost, babies are born and the stress is unimaginable. But I don’t remember those conversations leading to the fact that when you get married you get the very worst of the person. I never truly connected it although that’s exactly what she meant.
I struggle with resentment. And you know what? He does too. My husband internalizes stress something terrible. It builds and although he compartmentalizes exceedingly well it still is hard for me to handle due to the differences in our love languages and personalities. I get his worst and sometimes I resent it. When he’s disappointed, when he’s stressed, when he’s hurting or frustrated or simply over it. I get the brunt of it. So when we’re having a bad moment and he’s giving me his worst but then turns around and is fine to everyone else I feel resentment. It makes me feel crazy, hurt and sometimes even manipulated. Those feelings wiggle around and end up coming out as snarky comments in front of others that actually degrade and tear him down. That’s what pain does. It tears down and tears apart if you let it. Hurt causes hurt. I’m ashamed to say I’ve caught myself doing it multiple times, particularly around his family because more often then not, they get his best. But here’s the game changer, friends. . . I caught it. I caught what I was doing to my mate. I realized what I was subconsciously doing out of hurt and resentment and I nipped it in the bud. How? I slowed down my responses. I took deep breaths before joining the group after a tough moment or discussion during the car ride. I took a moment to pray and ask God to help me love him. And honestly, sometimes I just stopped talking at times. Because that is what it took to stop tearing my husband down.
You know what came next? Honest conversations about how we make each other feel resentful and even at times unloved (our differences in love languages is the main culprit but that’s another blog, another day) and then us working through those things to stop tearing at each other. What did that look like? Asking questions like. . .what made you feel loved when we were dating? What do you miss from when we dated? What do you wish we could do more often? What are ways you show me you love me? (This sounds crazy but what I “expect” as signs of his love are completely different then the signs he’s giving me a lot of times.)
Honestly a lot of this was one sided as Kyle tends to gather his wounds and then bury them and then guard them like a wounded mama bear. I’ve had to dig and then love, dig more and then love more. I have felt alone in my quest to grow our love. I have felt like he could care less. I have felt abandoned. I have felt completely and utterly empty as I tried to keep loving him through these deep dark valleys of marriage. I have cried out to God and begged for Him to help us survive those hard seasons where it looked scary and impossible. I’ve begged Him for healing. The beautiful thing is, each time He has answered. I’ve looked brokenness in the face and in the next instant I see healing. I’ve looked weariness and loneliness in the face and in the next instant, I’m surrounded by rest and support. I’ve laid in the bathroom crying my heart out in grief and confusion and in the next instant I’m seeing victory. Sometimes those instants aren’t immediate. Sometimes it takes days, months, or years to see the promises revealed. Sometimes the answer to the promise hits me in the face like a rogue wave and other times it’s a quiet lapping that gently surrounds me until I realize that while slow in coming, it’s there.
Tonight we talked to a dear friend and we told her she isn’t alone and we shared some of our struggles. We laid hands on a dear friend and we prayed for her marriage. I heard his quiet prayers and I was enveloped in the promise. The quiet lapping was there and I realized we’ve moved into something new and I hadn’t even realized it. I realized we were able to speak life over her situation because we had survived it ourselves.
We aren’t anywhere near where we were 5 years ago, we’ve worked hard in our covenant with one another. We’ve battled and we’ve waged war against an enemy that strives to tear us apart. Some days are easier than others. Some seasons are easier than others. The process has been grueling yet beautiful because we’re growing. I’ve learned that marriage is hardly ever 50/50. Many times one person has to take a majority while the other is in process and then it switches and the other person carries the weight. It’s a delicate balance that requires love and maturity, give and take, truth and grace, and patience and kindness and loads and loads of prayers. I’m learning that this is what life is all about when you’re in a godly covenant with another human being. I’m thankful for my covenant with him and for what it’s brought us through and for where it’s taking us.


“This is as good as it’s going to get. Are you okay with that?” Love it, going to use that someday!
As always, beautifully said. ❤
Very well written KK, as usual. We all struggle with marriage from time to time but it looks like you have grown, matured, and as always, a devout Christian. So proud of the woman you have become. I remember the day we watched the unity candle being made in Helen, GA and the day you found “the dress” in Buford, GA. I turned around and immediately teared up—you were so beautiful—inside and out. You still are sweetie. Wish at times I could be more like you but we are all unique in our ways. God so intended that for us — uniqueness. Wish I could express myself in written words the way you do♥️♥️♥️
I realize I don’t HAVE to comment on each of your blog posts, but I HAVE to on this one. When, as a mama, you watch your children grow into adults, you have a whole new set of concerns. I won’t use the word fear b/c that’s against what God has provided for us. It used to be stubbed toes, “chokeables”, hold my hand, don’t wander off, eat your veggies, don’t go near the pond, don’t pinch your cousin. As babies turn into young women, the thoughts come to mind. . .will they love the career they choose, will they be strong when they date, will they come through college unscathed, will they move away, will they “depart” from the way? In all these things, I have had to remind myself that no parent is perfect and I certainly didn’t come close. But what I also remind myself of is that God is faithful and doesn’t leave us in our imperfection to raise our gifts…to love and enjoy them and to teach them to know and have relationship with Him. I had to remind myself that He blessed us with three incredible little girls who gave Him their hearts and that my job from that point on was to be there. . .and trust Him. As I see Him at work in your lives, my heart feels like it will pop! Your trials are mine and your blessings are my blessings. As I see Him provide in so many ways…financially, spiritually, emotionally…I know it’s His hand at work. There are only so many things a parent can do, but He can do it all and with perfect timing! He can open a person’s heart and eyes to see how He sees. He can guide and direct our thoughts toward His thoughts. He is good in the valley (of restoration) and on the mountaintop (of victory)! So I say that to say this. . .as you guys journey through life, continue learning, leaning, longing and loving. You have the best teacher who is always there to answer the hard questions and show you how to “work out the problem”. This goes for your sisters as well. <3 I love y'all deep and wide!!
Great read KK! Love you and thanks for allowing God to use you!